This emotion to me is a very powerful emotion from injury done deep within the soul. When you are injured, the first reaction is to be angry, followed by hurt. If left unattended, the anger may cause further damage.
Many years I played the role of being angry, growing up in a world of abuse, fights and fear. I learned to play my role well. But I longed for love, for someone to care for me and to be nourished like a child should be. I would often call on God, but I really didn’t know why because I didn’t know Him. I just did. Now I know He was always there. Being constantly provoked by those who were supposed to love and take care of me, I just didn’t understand why some one would not help me.
Being young and unaware of many things, I went through life this way. This is what you’ve been taught. The woman who had me and the man she lived with hurt me every day. They were very angry people to begin with.
But something inside of me kept calling to this God that I just didn’t know. But I had always heard that He loved everybody and I wanted Him to love me. Aware that this was indeed wrong, justice became a very important word in my vocabulary. Unable to forgive, I was growing up like my abusers. Anger was killing me like a cancer eating one from the inside out. This strong emotion of displeasure became a way of life for me.
When you’ve been provoked to so many emotions, you feel misunderstood. And the need to be understood, to explain yourself, causes you to over react and at times to lose control. It’s hard not understanding that people just can’t see the whole picture. How could they? And again this causes you to be misunderstood and once again angered. You begin to understand and accept that this is just the way it is for me.
But still this God kept surfacing within me. I just didn’t understand or know why.
Then one day after many invitations and many no’s. I finally said “yes” only if they promised never to ask me again. Little did I know that that evening I was going to meet that God that kept popping up. He filled me that night with fire and I felt that I could fly. Something was lifted off and I felt so light. I could not stop crying. The more I tried, the harder I cried. My Catholic friend kept telling me, “You’ve received.” But I had no idea what she was talking about.
I remember the next day, the birds were singing like many times before, only this time I could hear them. The world looked different. But, how could it? It was the same world I had always known.
I walked up to my mother and I told her I love you and everybody. She looked at me as if I had lost my mind. But I’d never been more sane. I told her I met Jesus and He lives in my heart forever and He could live in her heart. She began to cry and she held me for the first time in my life that I can remember.
And, so you see, anger, it’s just a word that you don’t have to live with. And it’s something that can change. Jesus can give love, peace and joy all the days of my life, and yours. Because He lives and there’s no one like Him. He’s my Lord, Savior, and the King of Kings. Sometimes I remember how He was always there, I just did not know. And He teaches and guides you every step of the way.
Many years I played the role of being angry, growing up in a world of abuse, fights and fear. I learned to play my role well. But I longed for love, for someone to care for me and to be nourished like a child should be. I would often call on God, but I really didn’t know why because I didn’t know Him. I just did. Now I know He was always there. Being constantly provoked by those who were supposed to love and take care of me, I just didn’t understand why some one would not help me.
Being young and unaware of many things, I went through life this way. This is what you’ve been taught. The woman who had me and the man she lived with hurt me every day. They were very angry people to begin with.
But something inside of me kept calling to this God that I just didn’t know. But I had always heard that He loved everybody and I wanted Him to love me. Aware that this was indeed wrong, justice became a very important word in my vocabulary. Unable to forgive, I was growing up like my abusers. Anger was killing me like a cancer eating one from the inside out. This strong emotion of displeasure became a way of life for me.
When you’ve been provoked to so many emotions, you feel misunderstood. And the need to be understood, to explain yourself, causes you to over react and at times to lose control. It’s hard not understanding that people just can’t see the whole picture. How could they? And again this causes you to be misunderstood and once again angered. You begin to understand and accept that this is just the way it is for me.
But still this God kept surfacing within me. I just didn’t understand or know why.
Then one day after many invitations and many no’s. I finally said “yes” only if they promised never to ask me again. Little did I know that that evening I was going to meet that God that kept popping up. He filled me that night with fire and I felt that I could fly. Something was lifted off and I felt so light. I could not stop crying. The more I tried, the harder I cried. My Catholic friend kept telling me, “You’ve received.” But I had no idea what she was talking about.
I remember the next day, the birds were singing like many times before, only this time I could hear them. The world looked different. But, how could it? It was the same world I had always known.
I walked up to my mother and I told her I love you and everybody. She looked at me as if I had lost my mind. But I’d never been more sane. I told her I met Jesus and He lives in my heart forever and He could live in her heart. She began to cry and she held me for the first time in my life that I can remember.
And, so you see, anger, it’s just a word that you don’t have to live with. And it’s something that can change. Jesus can give love, peace and joy all the days of my life, and yours. Because He lives and there’s no one like Him. He’s my Lord, Savior, and the King of Kings. Sometimes I remember how He was always there, I just did not know. And He teaches and guides you every step of the way.
Mary
March 13, 2009
